Ask A Cyber-Lovah

2007-05-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

hey babiiiiiI!111!!!.

3 big kawaii desu! big sexy donno!! Sekushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. buttsecks? hai! kthnxbai.

--ami_fails

Dear ami_fails:

You wrote:

>buttsecks? hai!

Translation: Hello Buttsex. Forget Hello Kitty, now there's an adorable Japanese cartoon character I can relate to!

2007-05-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I told you I was only 10, why did you cyber rape me? I am telling my mom, I cannot get the image of your nasty dirty tighty whities out of my head. Ahhhhh... Pervert!

tiffany

Dear tiffany:

I am so, so sorry. Unfortunately when you're servicing thousands of cyber-lovahs every day, quality control tends to suffer. Please put your mom on so I can also apologize to her. And have her send a picture.

2007-04-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb,

I think you are the sex master. Chiao!

--Mellisa

Dear Mellisa:

Come back anytime! My cybersex center is open 24/7, thanks to the magic of outsourcing. IM operators from India, the land of the Kama Sutra, are standing by. They don't call it BANG-alore for nothing!

2007-04-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

Herb,

Have you had physical sex?

--Louie

Dear Louie:

If by "physical sex," you mean that messy, sweaty, confusing bother from back in the early '90s, the answer is a proud NO. Next are you going to ask if I've ever ridden in a horse and carriage?

2007-04-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

dear faggot:

..taht is your name right?..lawl

anyway i think u are gay...cuzz i had cyber sex with u three times..and i said i was a guy like 10 times and u continues beating off to me...even though nothing was going on....i find this pretty dam disturbing...like cyber sex. if u cant fuck a real girl..dont fuck one at all!!!!

P.S. YOUR AN OLD SMELLY 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN LIVING IN HIS MOMS BASMENT PLAYIND D'n'D ALL DAY....QUICK ROLL YOUR D-20 FOR DEXTERITY

--michaelln60

Dear michaelln60:

I checked my cybersex logs and you were listed as "michelln60," hence the confusion. Gotta watch those typos. And everyone knows that you roll a six-sided die three times for a maximum score of 18 in dexterity. Who's the fool now? Oh no, he didn't. Oh yes, I did.

2007-04-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

hey herb:

if you are so ugly how come you get so many people to have sex with you ???

--cinlall3

Dear cinlall3:

It's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what you fool them to think is on the outside.

2007-04-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

i'm speechless and breathless, thanks babe, way better than b.o.b.!!!!

--dorie_here

Dear dorie_here:

Wow! That's high praise. B.O.B. was one of EA's greatest games. Someday I hope to be better than Archon.

2007-04-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

hah thats awesome dude. btw you really live at home as an age 40 ?. And are you still a really virgin? very good video and cool :D i have tried some cybersex myself too but it feels so weird that i will get confused very easily and just stop that thing. in real life i'v had sex and it feels great :) dunno then that if u done it right in internet, you can maximize the pleasure on the same level as real sex... well you'r the expert and know the tricks :)

--razer1

Dear razer1:

If you're getting confused, you're probably not doing it right. Just remember, it's all in the wrist.

2007-04-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

shave ya tash u specky goofy twat haha ya mum a slut who got bummed in town in the toilets haha

--bow woof

Dear bow woof:

I know for a fact that my moustache happens to make me look very handsome. My mom would never lie to me.

2007-04-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

no make it last longer and make it more fun and also do more things

--lucinda

Dear lucinda:

"Do more things." I remember that one from back in the analog days. Sorry, sister, but I do one thing and I do it right: masturbate in front of a computer screen. You don't like it, there are plenty of other ladies in my queue.

2007-04-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I am happey having dozens of promiscuous sexual (as in real sex) with dozens of young women. Why should i start doing cybersex?

--hahaha

Dear hahaha:

Dozens, you say? I have sex with dozens of young women every minute, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Ain't laughing anymore, are ya, Mister Ha Ha Ha.

2007-04-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I'm gay but I type like a lady would you like to cyber dump on my chest. Please say yes big hunka man shit

--Interested in Indiana

Dear Interested in Indiana:

Somehow, taking a cyber-dump on a man's chest seems a little weird. Now, if there are any ladies out there, that's another story! I just had a plate of nachos supreme and a bran muffin, if that sweetens the pot for anyone.

2006-08-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

FFFFFAAAAANNNNNTTTTTAAAAASSSSSTTTTTIIIIICCCCC

--George

Dear George:

Wow, that's quite a response. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but as they say, "one man's meat can be another man's poison." In other words, I don't do dudes. Unless they have gender-neutral usernames and I'm in a hurry. (That means you, Fran78. Stop emailing me.)

2006-08-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

What was the IM Program you used?

--Bob

Dear Bob:

I use the industry-standard IM program, AIM. I believe this is an acronym for "Aid in Masturbation." It's provided for free by a great organization called AOL, known primarily as a distributor of coasters by mail. No more water rings on the desk--Mom can't yell at me anymore. Thanks AOL!

2006-08-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Herb you bastard you came before I did, how am I suposed to come by myself you selfish no good lover. It was great till you stopped I need more attention

--Shona

Dear Shona:

As you discovered, it generally takes me 15 to 30 seconds to consummate a relationship. What can I say? I'm good at what I do. If you can't keep up, don't play with the big boys.

2006-08-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

IM READY TO HAVE SEX IN PERSON WITH YOU.GIVE ME YOUR ADRESS AND PHONE NUMBER

--SEXY

Dear SEXY:

Because I deal in high volume, it's impossible to have sex "in person." I also find human contact to be highly overrated.

2006-08-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

hey herb:

just to let u know that iv just finished having cybersex with u and it was great.plz get in touch so we can do it for real next time.
luv ya
mwwaaaahhhhhh

--suz

Dear suz:

So you really want to meet me? To make love to me and hold me tight? Establish an emotional connection with me? Ugh. Sounds terrible. Sorry, sister, but your quaint notions of corporeal sex are hopelessly naive. Roll over, Wilt Chamberlain, cybersex is here to stay. Civilization embraced the McDonald's drive-thru and never looked back, so why should it be different with sex?

2006-08-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Hi herb:

i'd just like to thank you! I have been doing it all wrong. Now i know my hand is just as good as the next girls.

High self-esteem is what i have.

Thank you Herb.

--Gorman

Dear Gorman:

You shouldn't trust just anyone with your special private areas. I treat mine like I treat my mint-condition Blue Series Star Wars trading cards: nobody touches them but me.

2006-08-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hello Herb,

My bf has naked chicks on his computer , does that mean he doesnt love me or does he find other women attractive.

--Rachel

Dear Rachel:

If having pictures of naked chicks on your computer was a crime, I'd be serving 20 consecutive life sentences. Of course he loves you. And of course he finds other women attractive.

2006-08-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Herb:

Hola me gustaria ser tu amigo & platicar por Msn mesenger mi msn es [screenname withheld]. Esta cool la pagina y el video sta Divertido :p

--Jesus

Dear Jesus:

If that IS your real name. Frankly, I don't buy it. Not that I know what Jesus would do, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be having cybersex.

2006-08-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

hy herb:

can you make a new video? This video is realy funny,but every the same vidio is boring,please make a new as so fast as you can.

PS:I'm from austria,please vorgive my english.

Thanks herb

--fuckmyhard

Dear fuckmyhard:

People think that I do nothing but sit around all day and masturbate. And they're right. The point is that it keeps me far too busy to attend to things like personal hygiene and video updates.

2006-08-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

Hi Herb,

am erik, Walka's brotha. Our parents were poor, so when were childs, we had the same room. Of course we discored early that we were gay and we hadnt lot of friends, so we had good time but incestuous things. Now, juste like u we live with tirezia our mother. She is old now, but, we love her, not just u should love your mother... I think we have the ......
oedipus complex! what do u think we should do ?

P.S (like the french say) : we have watched u a lot, u've really a big dick
oh!! mine goes up, Herb

Hey Herb !!
I am bloodhoundgang fan too !

--erik

Dear erik:

Thanks for your kind words, especially those about the size of my penis. Guess those hours with the Photoshop tutorial really paid off! About your mother, then...just how old is she? Is she hot?

2006-08-22T11:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

how do u eat someone out online? how is it different from in real life?

--questionativeskaterchic

Dear questionativeskaterchic:

In cyberspace, this is as easy as typing the words "I'M EATING YOU OUT." You ask how this is different from in "real life." I'm not sure.

2006-08-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Why dont u put a woman on cybersex and send me her picture (or atleast post it on the sight)

--No one you Know

Dear No one you Know:

No can do. As the proverb goes:

"Give a man a JPEG and he masturbates for a day. Teach a man how to have cybersex and he masturbates for a lifetime."

2006-08-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

Hi herb,

i have a problem with my conscience. whenever i make love to my boyfried i feel guilty afterwards but then the feeling goes away till next time we make love. what should i do

--Janet

Dear Janet:

There's a simple solution to your problem: Have sex with me. Your guilt about your boyfriend will pale in comparison. And I'll get to have sex with you.

2006-08-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hi

you asked me if i wanted to hae saex and i said no et you carried on this constitutes as mental rape, expect to hear from my lawyer!

--kat

Dear kat:

"Hi" is a strange greeting for your alleged rapist, but I can get beyond that. Hi! Let's just give this another try, and if you're not completely satisfied, then have your lawyer call me, especially if she's a foxy lady lawyer.

2006-08-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb :

do you make a friendship with me

--sirshendu

Dear sirshendu:

I believe we have a language barrier here. Not a problem. What you meant to say was, "Hello. Would you like to have sex with me?" The answer is an emphatic yes, my cross-cultural concubine.

2006-08-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

you need more friends. wth? where are all your eho'z?

--Jentastic

Dear Jentastic:

You're referring to my lack of MySpace friends. Once I realized you can't have sex on MySpace, I lost interest. But in the chat rooms, it's another story. I got e-bitches in tha livin' room gettin' it on, they ain't loggin' off till six in the morn!

2006-08-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Have you ever had a real girlfriend, at all?

--Kalaroth B. Xaelius

Dear Kalaroth:

Is that your D&D name? Mine is Gorgodon--I'm a 7th level Paladin with +3 chain mail and especially high scores in Constitution and Charisma. I know what you're thinking, and yeah, chicks dig it. Especially the chain mail. But on to your question--have I ever had a "real" girlfriend? Well what is "real," anyway? The two-headed bronze dragon I slayed in the catacombs of Dargorniath seemed pretty "real" to me.

2006-08-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb,

we've had cyber sex over 100 times, and i think my cyber baby is yours.

--Preggy PennyLil

Dear Preggy PennyLil:

I think we both know that's physically impossible. I always use protection...Norton AntiVirus.

2006-08-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

iam aa gay guy

--blah

Dear blah:

I am not. But don't be too disappointed--there are plenty of men just as good-looking as myself on the internet.

2006-08-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

yeah!!! I liked your movie :]
But he was a little bit marginal :]
hey herb, would you like to have cybersex with me???
Woehahaha... Just kiddin' :p

--Poison

Dear Poison:

Yes, I would like to have cybersex with you. Don't kid a compulsive masturbator.

2006-07-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Herb,

can we have live cybersex?i have a webcam too, u wana watch?plz reply to me!

--vicky tait

Dear vicky:

I'll do you one better: Install NetMeeting and we'll have a threesome.

2006-07-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Hi darling, I love you. Please come out of your room and talk to me. You don't need to be having cybersex all day. You'll ruin your mojo.

--Mom

Dear "Mom":

Clearly you are an impostor. My real Mom would never discourage me from my life's work. And she probably doesn't know what "mojo" means, either. Shame on you for stealing that wonderful woman's identity.

On the upside, since we're not related, we can have sex. I'll meet you in the chat room in 5 minutes.

2006-07-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Herb:

ever had sex on a Harley-Davidson ?

--motorcycle honey

Dear honey:

Harleys are fine, but wouldn't you be more interested in my crotch rocket?

2006-07-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

By Cyber loving, do you mean masterbating, because if you do, i do that often, just not while i'm talking to someone online?

--CyberLovahWannabe

Dear CyberLovahWannabe:

That's the beauty of cybersex! Now masturbation doesn’t have to be a dirty, guilty pleasure that we sneak on our own. It can be a dirty, guilty pleasure that we share with someone else.

2006-07-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

hey perb, ahem... herb, you claim you're not gay but then why did you have cyber sex with me, a 12 yr old boy? I feel used

--submissive pat

Dear pat:

Unfortunately, when you're committed to having sex with thousands of women every day, it's hard to reach 100% customer satisfaction. Am I gay? No. Am I a pedophile? Not since Lindsay Lohan turned 18. My lawyers have requested that I not comment further on the subject, but I suggest you start using the name "submissive patrick" from now on.

2006-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

hello Herb

do you Happy at this weekend i hope
God Bles you yah iam Vicky from INdoneisan

--Vicky

Dear Vicky:

The great thing about cybersex is that a language barrier is hardly a barrier at all. In the real world, we'd spent hour upon hour tangling with each others' mother tongues. Thanks to cybersex, we can go straight to the tongue-tangling.

2006-07-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

I don't really know what you're thinkin' but, a hate-filled email turns into a love-filled female? I'm not the one who's gay 'couse I told you before I am a MAN and I'm pretty sure that read my first message before you awnser my second. I don't know but I think that you don't even care of who is sending you a message. Male or female, it looks like you're the kind of freak who will give all of his sexthoughts away to any sex OR age. that's gross man. Maybe I was right, you do this shit for too long... It time for you to quit old man and get a life, a real one. You must be kinda fat from sittin' in front of your computer 7 days a week. Maybe that fat you can't even see your own dick. Must be covert in fat.

--MOONZERO

Dear MOONZERO:

If you're a woman, then why did you have breasts in the JPEG you sent?

Oh. Wait.

Don't answer that.

2006-07-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Caro Herb:

I am, how you say, from Italiano. I no know what this word "lovah" mean. Is this in any way related to cooking? Or any other, how you say, household activity? Or does a cyberlovah some how to do with internet service providers? If so, do you have a better offer than that offer that BT offer? Thank you very very much, Roberto

Caro Roberto:

La traduzione di "cyberlovah" é semplice. Un Cyberlovah é una persona chi fa l'amore usando un calculatore. Grazie per la domanda e per visitando herbzipper.com.

2006-07-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Are you gay cause if not...i hate you because i'm gay!

--sexy bitch

Dear sexy bitch:

I'm not gay, although this is a common misconception due to my great hair and snappy style of dress. I'm also no slouch when it comes to interior decoration--you should see my collection of vintage Kathy Ireland posters! But please don't hate me just because I won't have sex with you. There are plenty of fish in the sea that enjoy male-on-male action, some of them just as attractive as I am.

2006-07-22T10:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

Not a question. Just a thank you. Thanks to your wonderful website, I'm making it rich!! Im making a fortune selling nail-fungus creme to V.D. Clinics!!

--yank the schank

Dear yank:

Just doing my part in the economic turnaround. Anything I can do to help our President and chronic masturbators I consider my patriotic duty. And can you send a couple tubes of your salve my way?

2006-07-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

heh uhhh fuck you man you are when ugly fat ass mother fucker................bitch

--your daady

Dear daady:

You, my friend, have a filthy, dirty potty-mouth. You must have already watched my video! I think you're ready to get out there on the internet and find that special someone.

2006-07-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

you are so hot herb.... WHORE
HAHA your pathetic

--laura

Dear laura:

I'm flattered you think I'm "hot." Mom tells me that all the time. I assume your statement "WHORE" is a reference to my video. Describing me as "pathetic" is not as clear. Perhaps you were going back in the etymology of the word, the Middle French pathetique, meaning "capable of feeling." That I am, laura. Capable of plenty of *sexual* feeling, if you catch my drift. I'll see you in the chat rooms, babe.

2006-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Message: hey herb
just to let u know that iv just finished having cybersex with u and it was great.plz get in touch so we can do it for real next time.
luv ya
--mwwaaaahhhhhh

suz

Dear suz:

Ah, your fresh-faced innocence and its connotations of jailbait bring a smile to my face. My young friend, having sex "for real" is a concept that's gone the way of the dinosaurs. So you can go on having your dinosaur sex--screeching, biting, scratching with those tiny little arms attached to your giant lizard body--but I'm going to stick with the most efficient form of sex known to man: cybersex.

2006-07-22T10:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

sorry to hear every1 thinks ur gay, u can fuck me netime to proove that ur not. id definelty be willing to go on that webcam. if u want a foto of me email me u sexy fuck.

--sexybitch

Dear sexybitch:

You get me. You really get me.

2006-07-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Hey, your SEXY! XD

--Melissa

Dear Melissa:

Well, thank you. I get that a lot, but mostly from my Mom. By the way, for those of you wondering what "XD" means, I have this explanation courtesy of the Christian Anime Alliance:
"XD doesn't mean anything... It's a smiley. It's eyes tightly shut from laughing so hard, with a big open-mouth smile"That is, of course, a Christian interpretation. I prefer to think of it as an orgasm emoticon.

2006-07-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Well I am impressed. you heard of me before, but that was a sort of hatemail. tell me the truth herb... how do you know if those girl are really meaning it. please tell me a bit of yourself. I'm starting to be a fan. although I thing this all is grazy but you do this for a long time and there is no way you written those messages by yourself. Forgive me for being hard to you. I hope I'll hear from you again. grtz

--MOONZERO

Dear MOONZERO:

I see it again and again: a hate-filled email turns into a love-filled female. I can't tell you how many times a reader who questions my sexuality or penis size ends up with some pretty compelling answers.

2006-06-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

you are so hot herb.... WHORE
HAHA your pathetic

--laura

Dear laura:

May I remind you that I am the world's foremost cyber-lovah. Pathetic? I have a garbage can full of wadded-up tissues that begs to differ.

2006-06-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

Dear herb:

sorry to hear every1 thinks ur gay, u can fuck me netime to proove that ur not. id definelty be willing to go on that webcam. if u want a foto of me email me u sexy fuck.

--sexybitch

Dear sexybitch:

You're on! How does Friday between 1:20 PM and 1:25 PM sound to you?

2006-06-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

hey herb:

ru for real? liked ur vid !)
plz get in touch

love
Suze

Dear Suze:

You're a woman, so I'll definitely get in touch. If you know what I mean.

(I'm talking about sexual relations.)

2006-06-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb,

Your site is a masterpiece. Too damned funny. Thank you!

--Dawn

PS...I'm a good looking female.

Dear Dawn:

I'm not sure what you mean by "funny," but since you're a good-looking female, all is forgotten. Now let's have sex.

2006-06-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I very much would like to get acquainted with you better. My name is Svetlana. I'm 28 years old. I work in shop on sale of the sports goods. I as am fond of sports a little, I like to go to a wood and to breathe fresh air. But except for it I still like to meet the friends. Still I love children and pets. I very much hope with you will get acquainted better in hope for serious relations. If my message even has a little interested you then you can write to me on the address of e-mail. I shall look forward to hearing from you. I probably could send you the photo, but I have no your address of e-mail.

--Svetlana

Dear Svetlana:

I also love children, pets, and wood. You can send your picture to herb at skiploader dot com. I look forward to serious relations with you.

2006-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Dear herb:

u n eed to be more interactive, give us fantasies like rape, in the classroom, and kink

--Kassie

Dear Kassie:

Your suggestion is a good one, except for one thing: all that role-playing takes time. I'm a high-volume cybersex supplier, and I can't be bogged down with individually tailored experiences. But don't worry--there are plenty of boutique operations out there run by wonderfully dedicated perverts that will cater to your very specific needs.

2006-06-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

ahhh herb wanna have cyber sex right now ive got some bigg cyber boobs

--jenny

Dear jenny:

Have you noticed that ALL cyber boobs are big? And yes, I would like to have sex with you right now.

2006-06-22T10:23:00.001-07:00

Hey Herb,

You are sooo hot I just want to soak you in butter and... well I really want to have sex with you!

Kisses n lix

-- Bootylicious Emily

Dear BLE:

You like butter, do you? Just call me Orville Redenbacher, baby. I got some kibbles and bits for your kisses and licks.

2006-06-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb...

baby I want that ghetto lollipop of yours in my hands, running along my spiked tongue rings, givin me that thick, creamy,lucious protein shake time after time again while you smack my ass with your feet, pull my hair with your teeth, and call me your own personal sexxy beast...come on baby. Help a girl out.

--SexxxySuzi

Dear Suzi:

Sorry, but I can't share my protein shake with you because I already finished it. Strawberry-banana...delicious! I may have some lollipops around here, though, and I can definitely smack your ass with my feet. Let's talk.

2006-06-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I found your site textually stimulating;) My question is how do prevent carpal tunnel with all the key stroking that goes along with cyber-sex? I am finding this to be a problem for me. What do i do?

--kissbox

Dear kissbox:

Contrary to what you might here, there's no such thing as safe cybersex. The important thing to do is protect yourself. Along with a good anti-virus program and a plastic shield for your keyboard and screen for cleanliness purposes, I recommend a wrist brace on each arm. I'm working on a hands-free speech-to-text solution and will keep you posted.

2006-06-22T10:21:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

i want to look your sexers.i am a sexy guy

--Kesahvan

Dear Kesahvan:

You had me at "i want to look your sexers."
You lost me at "i am a sexy guy."

Sorry I can't help you out, but there's someone out there for everyone in cyberspace. I suggest volunteering less information about yourself.

2006-06-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

yo herb!

i'd really like to know if this all is a joke or are u sirous? if u're for real then i must admit that i don't understand american way of thinkin'

--paul

Dear paul:

Ah, my silly continental friend. You're still clinging to the moldy ideas of "Old Europe". We're in a new age of unilateral sex, with archaic ideas like "foreplay" and "mutually satisfying" discarded on the scrapheap of history. Yours is not the first message I have received, but I will fight your Axis of Email to the death with my stockpiled Weapons of Mass Turbation!

2006-06-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

how do you have cypersex. what eqipement do you need and how do you get it.

--big daddy cool

Dear big daddy:

Everything you need to know is in my infomercial. Enjoy!

2006-06-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

you are a serious wanker, nothing more, nuff said, PS, your mum was shit.

--Eddie

Dear Eddie:

Why thank you! I do take my wanking quite seriously indeed. As for dear old Mom, I think the American colloquialism you're searching for is "your mom is the shit". And you're right, my Jollye Olde English friend, for a 75-year-old lady, she's quite the cybervixen. Guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

2006-06-22T10:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

leave my sister alone man if u hav cyber sex with her agian your going to get hurt.

--chris

Dear chris:

You're telling me...I'm rubbed raw! Ask your sister what she does for the chafing. Does she use some kind of salve?

2006-06-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

You suck.

--blow@me.com

Dear blow:

You're right, I do suck. I also lick, kiss, caress, fondle, grind, squeeze, massage, pinch, press, prod, pet, knead, nibble, nuzzle, tickle, touch, tongue, tweak, taste, tease, rub, rinse and repeat. I've got it all in my cyber-lovah bag of tricks.

2006-06-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

yo herb--

lmfao at this shitty page of yours looooool you a real nutter man keep it up by the way ya had sex with me 2 ya perv :p :D muhaha

--dude

Dear dude:

Glad to hear you enjoyed having sex with me. I've never met a girl named "dude" before--what nationality is that?

2006-06-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

Before continuing, lets take a look at these sad, but true facts: The average erect penis size is just 6.16". Over 90 percent of all men posses this size. 85 percent of all men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes, before ejaculating due to an underdeveloped and weak PC Muscle. 93 percent of Women have never achieved an orgasm during intercourse, and 76 percent admit that they are dissatisfied with their partners sexual performance.

Click here for the NO.1 Penis Enlargement Pill On The Market!

--239214@hotmail.com

Dear 239214@hotmail.com:

While I normally find many attractive offers through unsolicited email, I must take exception to your product. First off, my penis is 24 inches long (at least as far as anyone knows). Second, who wants to have intercourse longer than 3 minutes? And lastly, as far as my partners' satisfaction is concerned, that goes under the heading of "NOT MY PROBLEM".

2006-06-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I would like have sex

--Jimmy Gustavo Gonzales Baron

Dear Jimmy Gustavo Gonzales Baron:

Not a problem--even for you, my language-challenged comrade. Just log on to any chat room and hit them with the patented can't-lose Herb Zipper opening line:

HELLO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?™

And keep the Merriam-Webster site close at hand. You may need the thesaurus.

2006-06-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

So, herb...

let me be honest with you... you are quite unatractive, butt ugly as hell, and have a horrible voice...

fortunately, we're on the net, and that doesnt matter... and to tell you the truth i find it interesting to have cyber sexual relationships with you...

but...do you think we can do a threesome??

if the answer is Yes, how do we do that?

--Black Eve

Dear Black Eve:

Don't be fooled by the jpeg compression--I'm an extremely attractive man.

As far as the threesome goes, today's Instant Messaging software has everything you need built right in. Those promotional CDs that clog your mailbox are good for something. So easy to use, no wonder it's number one in anonymous sex!

2006-06-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I am very interested in cybersex and I was wondering if you could e-mail me some tips on how to become a cyber lovah. If you could do this that would be fantastic.

Love your biggest fan,

--Kevin

Dear Kevin:

Here are a couple of tips:

1. Log on to a chat room.
2. Take your pants off.

You should be able to take it from there.

2006-06-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Herbie.

You should have real sex with a real sexbomb like me. A German Girl. German girls have big tits and big lips and a sexy ass. Wont you touch this? Tell me baby. Or cant you take a girl home with you? Because of your mom? Please tell me.

XXX yours Barbara

Dear Barbara:

Living with my mom doesn't cramp my style a bit. I'll bring you home and take you to bed, my little wienerschnitzel. Unless you're talking about actually coming over. That could be a problem since mom likes to go to bed early. And also she has a "no girls in the house" rule.

2006-06-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb,

I've got a story I think you might appreciate.

So anyhow, I hurt my wrist (don't ask), and it was really fucking hurting so I figured I might as well get my money's worth for the absolutely gouging Cigna charges in insurance premiums, and I get set up with this really cool immobilizing brace - demi-gloss black and pliable synth leather/neoprene, fixed with this small round metal gear and rods at the joint which can be set for varying degrees of freedom and angle of closure. I was pretty happy with the thing, but I type a lot each day and it was really cramping my style after a few hours, so I took it off and doubled up on the pain meds, chalking another one up to already rampant waste, fraud and abuse in over engineered medical supplies.

And this would be where most people would just leave it, but the brace was sitting on my monitor and I started playing around with it and managed to disassemble it... and I don't know what hit me, it was one of those moments where curiosity and serendipity meet and you read about it in the Darwin Awards, but I noticed sans the rigid plastic insert and with some stuffing, tugging and pulling, that I was able to outfit my penis with the latest modern medical science has to offer in unapproved and unsanctioned phallic devices.

All this monkeying around... with things, lead to trouble, because while it was funny to pose my penis with the brace at contorted angles, when things started to stiffen up, the already engorged remainder of a brace started to fucking hurt, and I'm fucking squirming and dancing a jig to untweak this now suddenly impossibly tight set screw, thinking Oh Jesus Lord, how do I explain it in the ER that I broke my dick in the vise grips of a wrist brace without making a scene and/or police report - it'd be my luck the same ER crew would be there as when I originally got the fucking thing.

Finally I managed to relieve the pressure and my penis, I shit thee not, ejected out, with the metal gear making a grinding noise which spoke of its fine Germain craftsmanship, before slapping against its stops as it proceeded to gnash my dick in its maw, my penis looking like some Giger-esque creation silently screaming, with its purpling head pulsing to my jacked heartbeat, constricted by the black brace and metallic gear-caught twisted flesh. I had to stifle a scream of my own, and made a noise somewhere between OHMOTHERFUCKER and an unabashed squall as I reflexively writhed around in this new predicament, but I made the mistake of slamming my fists down against the table as if that would some how mollify the pain, but instead, I banged the fuck out of my already tender wrist, and jumped back, jamming my cack against desk drawer edge - when shit goes wrong, God gets his money's worth laughing at my sorry ass. I instantly assumed the fetal position, rocking myself to the sobbing chant "fuckfuckFUCKFUCKFUCK..."

Composing myself and doubling up with my feet up on the chair, I was able to work the damned brace off, and pitched that instrument of a malpractice lawsuit waiting to happen across the room with a vengeance. I just sat there, my breath coming in ragged sips as a thin sheen of sweat chilled my forearms, and leaned back thinking WHAT THE FUCK, yet coming up with no good answers, but I tell you what I did notice - I don't have any tattos, but I think if I got one, I'd like to get my penis done up with tiger shark tip like a US warplane during World War II.

Of course, to add insult to injury, I wound up having to retrieve the brace and piece it back together - I am now wearing the fucking thing as it turns out I had gone on ahead and actually hurt my wrist for true in that flail where idle curiosity almost killed the cack.

--Tigole

Dear Tigole:

I'm impressed that your employer allows you to spend hours in your cubicle playing with your penis. Can you pass on my resume?

2006-06-22T10:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

The best cyber-lay of my life (a cute 19 year old cheerleader) turns out to be my 45 year old (former mens college basketball player) boss. Ok I know it's him but the 19 year old cheerleader inside of him is so sexy.....

is it wrong to keep Cyber screwing her?

--Missed Da Mark

Dear Mark:

Sorry for the delay in replying. I've been quite busy getting ready for the holidays and having sex with strangers. But on to your question....

This sounds like a simple misunderstanding. In my experience, men don't impersonate women in order to have cybersex with other men. If that happened, I could possibly have had sex with hundreds of thousands of men.

Hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands.

Let me get back to you on this one.

2006-06-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

is this a joke... or this is just a page filled with cool people dat masturbates over a computer screen?.... sad sad sad...
did you even had real sex?

--SadJoke

Dear SadJoke:

No joke here. I really am the world's greatest cyber-lovah. And if by "real" sex, you're referring to a narrow definition that includes actual physical contact with another human being, then the answer is no, I haven't had "real" sex.

2006-06-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

hi herb

how r u 2 day
i think u look really sexy

--amber

Dear amber:

Thanks, I hear that a lot. Mostly from my mom, but still a lot.

2006-06-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

i have been a cyber lover for quite a while. My question is how do you keep your screen and keyboard from getting all sticky and hard to use?

--k-dawg from new york

Dear k-dawg:

Mom keeps her living room immaculate by covering all the couches with fitted plastic. And that's exactly what I do with my keyboard. Thanks for the great idea, Mom!

2006-06-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

hay,this is jasmina.J love you and you love me.please...J need you so much.lov me please...ahhhh....

--jasmina

Dear jasmina:

Let's not put the cart before the horse here. Everyone knows that sex comes before love, so let's get started. You know where to find me.

2006-06-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Is it possible for me to want to only cuddle with my partner and not be taunted for being a bad cyber lover?

--lura

Dear lura:

No.

2006-06-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

You are awesome man! we love ya here in Hungary! Sistaz are hungry for your cyber love dude!

take care buddy!

--Rik

Dear Rik:

Thanks for your kind words. Guess I'm kind of a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador. Just goes to show you that anonymous sex with strangers has no borders.

2006-06-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

hay herb whats happaning i want to ask u what pick up lines can i use to get a girl

--John

Dear John:

I recommend my all-purpose, foolproof, made-in-the-USA pick up line:

HELLO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?™

As they say about Colt 45, it "works every time."

2006-05-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

hi sexy

--stacey

Dear stacey:

Well hello, sexy to you, too! What do you say I take you to a nice, semi-private place where we can have sex?

2006-05-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I thought I would let you know about a new product available sometime
ago. It could help with your cyber-lovin'. It has certainly helped me.

http://www.fu-fme.com/

They are a nice product for making cyber love.

Enjoy

--Katie

Dear Katie:

Now here's a product I can endorse wholeheartedly. There's nothing like the fake real thing, baby.

2006-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

what u want to hear please elaborate

--angella

Dear angella:

I want to hear those magic words that everyone longs to hear:

"Hello. Would you like to have sex with me?"

2006-05-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

You are awesome that was the best but next time talk to me longer!!!

Dear kate:

Due to the heavy volume of activity, I am unable to respond personally to every request that is not sexual. I apologize for the inconvenience, but appreciate your patronage.

2006-05-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

dear fag,

I hate you, your a fucking seriously fucked up guy, you fuck anything and everything.I think you should hire a hooker and have "sex" not none of that cyber shit.

-FUCK YOU NIGGA

p.s. I fucked your mom and she suXoRz in bed!

Dear Eugene:

This is Herb's Mom. I know you're upset that I haven't called. You're a very emotional boy, but you shouldn't worry, little lamb. I'll definitely call next time I feel like breaking you off.

--Henrietta Zipper

2006-05-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

love me

--Dicker

Dear Dicker:

Of course I'll love you. I have an opening from 3:30 to 3:35. And what an unusual name! I didn't realize that "Dicker" was suitable for a girl, or even a guy, for that matter. Must be a family name, like Grayson or Hadley. In any case, it's beautiful.

2006-05-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Herby,

You're so hansom, you don't need to be stuck behind that computer to get a rush, when I could give you the real thing.

Waiting for you...xXx

--Pertina Saville

Dear Pertina:

I have to respectfully decline your offer of cheap sex. You see, I prefer having cybersex to what the uninitiated call "the real thing." It's not at all that I'm nervous around women and wouldn't have the slightest idea of what do do with one.

2006-05-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

yo ladies call me da ciber cider and i wanna have a contest with you to prove that i am the best man in the buisness....chump!

--Ciber Cider

Dear Cider:

You an' alla otha sucka CLs iz wack. Wanna throw down with da HZ? Wanna piece a dis? U B slayed by ma fresh movez. Word.

2006-05-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Lieve Herb:

Hoi lieve herb, wil je me mss anaal ontmaagden?

--Stefan

Lieve Stefan:

Geen dank u. Ik zou mijn anal virginity graag bijhouden.

2006-05-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

you are fucking pathetic.....you remind me of one of those guys who likes to think they got what it takes, but you dont got what it takes maaaan. jeeesh..and to think i was gonna have sex with YOU! Paleeeeeez

--Julie Big Jugs

Dear JBJ:

Does your name refer to large containers or rather to breasts? If it's the latter, I'd like to assure you that I do indeed have what it takes. Whatever that is.

2006-05-21T23:29:00.002-07:00

Hey herb!

thanks for helping me get my meganut on. there is nothing better than being a true cyber-lovah like you! you are my inspiration to not leave my dorm room...or put on any pants! just tell me, what's that great chat room that you get all the fine ladies from?

-hot brotha

Dear brotha:

Lately I've gotten a lot of action on the Quantum Leap Fan Club chat room by posing as Scott Bakula.

2006-05-21T23:29:00.001-07:00

Herb, My Man...

I gotta hand it to ya bro...you've really got your stuff wired tight like midnight. What an incredibly informative, educational and beautifully structured (erotical)LoveMecca of a site - it's extraordinary; and you...? Outstanding! Countless men of all ages, demographics and lengths will come to you...seeking your wisdom, your experience and maybe a To-Go Box of the cybercharisma that only you possess - like a cosmological energy force all by itself. Hmmm...maybe that's what's causing the universe's accelerating expansion...maybe somewhat speculative, but nonetheless worthy of theoretical inquiry. I'm personally indebted to you I feel - for I've learned so much, so quickly...I even bought a new set of bath towels. You've opened my eyes to a world that I could've only dreamed of; showed me the path to anonymous sexual enlightenment and provided for me a truth that even transcends Laser Vision correction. I once felt that I really eeded to lose the weight, but...come to think of it, I haven't shopped for clothes for about 8 years now. You are to needful women what a Suryp Steward is to IHOP. I'll take the sausage patties - and for the first time in my life....I FEEL ALIVE!!

--The_Jayman

Dear Jayman:

It's people like you that make it all worthwhile. And also the thousands of anonymous sexual encounters.

2006-05-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

hey herb!

i wanna have cyber w/ you send me an e mail
love you

--aimee

Dear aimee:

Send you an email before we have sex? Sorry, but I don't go for the old-fashioned type.

2006-05-21T23:28:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

all i want to do all day is have sex...sex...sex...will you have sex with me?

--Patricia

Dear Patricia:

You sound very promiscuous. That's good, but email me after you run Norton Anti-Virus.

2006-05-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

Hey baby!

We're 2 twin sisters and we think ur sooo sexy. We have popped our real cherries but not our cyber ones until we met u. Now we've done it all. But we were wonderin if ud ever lik a 3 way sum day...just ignore our huge tits if they get in ur way

--Big Boobed Twins

Dear BBT:

If this is somebody from the I.T. Department messing with me again, it's NOT FUNNY and I will file a report with the Human Resources Manager this time.

If it's really the twins though, send a picture.

2006-05-21T23:26:00.001-07:00

Dear Herb:

U and I know this is all a big joke and some guys here told me U wrote those messages yourself. I am a man and I know that if the writing are true... the chick gotta B fat and ugly like U. from now on you can add yourself a hatelist on that feak website of yours. stop lying to people. I even think U are still a virgin. leave the pretty V-males alone. if they met me i'm sure they will have sex with ME in stead of you. (ofcource U won't add me to the list do U, so that is why we all know U are a BIG loser

--moonzero

Dear moonzero:

All these messages are from wonderful real people, just like yourself. As for the V-males, is that the same as chicks with dicks?

2006-05-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

I think you suck ass...i mean, my dick is so much bigger than yours...i guess it's "analog" mr. austin powers wanna be...anyway, what's that thing hanging by your dick? they look like little balls.

--Nick

Dear Nick:

It's not the size of your balls, it's how you use them.

2006-04-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

Da, I a Russian Supermodel. But I virgin. Da, I need a cybersex partner and I no can find one. Da, I need you to, how you say, help me.

--Takemenow

Dear Takemenow:

I happen to be very attracted to Russian supermodels. All models, actually. And Russians. And most other people.

2006-04-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Herb:

You should sign up for our affiliate program. (Click the webmaster link) www.virtualsexmachine.com

--Eric

Dear Eric:

How sad that you have to hook yourself up to a machine to pretend like you're having sex. I can't even imagine it.

2006-04-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

Herb,

you suck. You stole my wife. She wouldn't shut up about you. Next thing she packed her handbag and left for LA to find you. you're the pits of the damn universe.

--gdeere

Dear gdeere:

Think on the bright side: marriage is between a man and a woman, but cybersex is between a man and 50,000 women. After a proper mourning period of 15-20 minutes, it's appropriate to get yourself out there again. And don't worry, I never give out my real address. After a few weeks searching L.A. your wife will return home, weary and ready to settle for you again.

2006-04-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Herb:

IM A GUY

--darla

Dear darla:

But that would meant that I had sex with a...

Okay, you really had me going there for a second. Such a kidder, darla! I'm looking at your jpeg right here, and you're clearly a woman. Sure, the Magnum P.I. moustache might give some guys pause, but I think a little upper-lip growth can really bring out a woman's features. You should see my Mom--she's quite striking.